November 24th 2005

I will continue to write in this blog until the day I die... August 17th 2015.

The past 10 days of my life have been a blur, as I spent them robo-trippin with my Aunt Maggie's 10 year
old son at the Sunset Sun Hotel.


Sunset Sun Hotel

9:00 pm

Room 212
The two surviving members of the Tom Selleck fan
club trim their mustaches and cry.

Room 514
Tom Selleck tries on hundreds of flowered shirts, yet
none of them feel right anymore.



Rm. 117
(Henry Titley is on the phone, long distance)


Henry:: Hey! What is up?!
Mystery Man:: Not too much...(cackling)... just playing Cranium with
Patrick Swayze.
Henry:: Really? me too.
Mystery Man:: fo’ sha.
Henry:: hahahahahahahahaha
Mystery Man:: hahahahahahahaha
Henry:: Any tips on how to get him to leave?
Mystery Man:: hahahahahahahahahaha
Henry:: hahahahahahahaha

(Henry hangs up the phone and moves his game piece to the green square.)


Rm 33

(Amy Toemagic is under the covers of her bed and talking to herself)

Amy:: Michael Jordan IS the greatest backsketball player ever...hands down.

Rm 223

(Harrison Ford is riding a giant mechanical bull)

Rm 79

(pop sensation Nick Lachey and rap/fashion mogul P Diddy are huddled together
in a tiny bathtub)

Nick:: Is that yellow rubber thing a rubber ducky?
P. Diddy:: no.
Nick:: L O L !
P Diddy:: (scared) what is it then?
Nick:: (announcer voice)Conannnnnnn O’ Brriiiiiiieeeennnn!
P. Diddy:: (wildly coughing)
Nick:: (now holding hands with Conan Obrien in the tub)

November 13th 2005

Let me ask you something...have you ever seen Lionel Ritchie take 30 tabs of acid straight to his eyeball, thrust a 19 inch
machete into his left leg, and sing a fucking dead-on version of "Hello?" The answer is probably yes, but if not, he does it every Friday night at the Copley Square T Stop on the green line. I may not be able to keep you guys posted on my day to day events for a bit, as I am currently on tour with Lionel at the Copley Square T stop for the next 6 months being his guitar tech and helping him grasp what's real and what's not. If you need to reach me send an e-fax to Burt Reynolds and he'll bring it over to me. (He's performing Macbeth at the Arlington T stop which is pretty close to me and Lionel, it's pretty captivating to watch, mostly because he's crying while doing it.)

(this is unrelated, but this is the most stunning website ever:: http://www.ladyjayes.com/hello.html )

November 11th 2005

Yesterday was my birthday. My uncle Frank organized this huge, crazy party for me at his house. He even paid Huey Lewis & the News nine thousand dollars to not play at it. The party was pretty slammin’. It was mostly made up of me, my uncle and my step mom Sandy. Uncle Frank and Sandy grinded really rough to the 50 Cent album and I sat and watched and sorta felt like I was going to cry. After the cd ended they told me they were going to go to the store to get me a present, but they just went in the house and watched tv. The party got even more awesome when my best friend Timmy showed up. I saw him and yelled, “Raise the roof!” I think he thought it was really funny. He said he had a huge gift for me, but then just walked into the house and watched tv with my uncle and step mom. I danced alone in the front yard to the 50 Cent cd for awhile until Tim came outside and just being the living piss out of me. Then he wished me a happy birthday and gave me a nice, warm hug. I went inside to tell my uncle and step mom the good news, but they were smoking really old crack and listening to Huey Lewis & the News and that upset me. I told my uncle he was full of shit and before I could even take a hit from the crack pipe, I realized my uncle was Huey Lewis. I never saw him again. LOL!

November 8th 2005

Today I hung out at the truckstop two miles from my house right off the highway. I like it there because I always meet such characters. I brought my cousin Mark because his mom left him out in the snow last year and he's creepy now, so no one
will hang out with him but me. Sometimes he'll look at people and he'll just start crapping his pants like crazy. I asked him if it had something to do with how he got left out in the snow and he said no, and I thought that was awesome. We stopped at the 7-11 on the way and they were selling copies of the new Regis Philbin jazz classics cd for 18.99, so we bought 6 of them to give to truck drivers. The lady at the register said that was a sweet thing for us to do, then gave us the finger. When we got to the truckstop we went to the diner and had soup. I tried to pay the bill with Regis cds, but it didn't work, so Mark started crapping in front of the waitress and we got the soup for free because she thought he was retarded, which I just found out, he is. lol! Mark met Tina Turner in a Matrix Chatroom and they became pretty tight, so she showed up a little bit later and helped us beat the shit out of some wild boars in the woods behind the truckstop. She sang that "rollin on a river" song on a loop for us for like 6 hours until I told her my grandmother just passed away and she let me leave. I forgot Mark in the woods, but his mother said he'll be fine. lol!

November 7th 2005

I woke up and realized I had spent every penny I had fifteen years ago at the Christmas Tree Shop an hour
and twenty minutes south of Boston. I wanted a coffee and and salt water taffy so bad I decided to spend
the day earning some money and being blue collar, like people's uncles. I called world famous
wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin to come over. Stone and I spent a good bit of the morning making
anklets out of gimp. We watched Clueless while we worked and we could both relate to a lot of
the struggles in the film. Stone cried a little and he let me kick him. At lunch time we went to Panera
Bread and had the soup/salad combo. Stone Cold couldn't finish his bread bowl so we fed it to birds
and old people outside. We brought all the anklets to the mall and we sold them to each other
and made a pretty good profit. Stone Cold used his money to buy a life and I spent all mine on
Stone Cold Steve Austin gimp anklets they had at Spencer's Gifts. He gave me a lift home on
his GT bike with front AND back pegs. That evening I read the bible backwards to see if there were
any Beatles lyrics hidden in it. A 79 year old man with no eyeballs read me Goodnight Moon
and I couldn't help but think my financial woes were over.

November 5th 2006

Yesterday was the most important day of my life. I skipped stones at a filthy beach with Sandra Bullock for
about 13 or 14 hours until she passed out and then me and this local teenager named Skippy buried her
in the sand. I miss her sometimes. Then me and Skippy went to Canada and on the way I asked Skippy how
we became friends and he said he had no clue who I was and asked if he could get out of the car. So I let
him out somewhere in Maine and that was that. I decided not to go to Canada and I drove back to the beach
and dug Sandra out of the sand. Her and I went to TGIF and she made me pay because she said she makes
the worst movies ever and the waiter agreed.

November 3rd 2005

Today was so perfect. I woke up around 6am, stood up, then sat down and just rocked back
and forth on the floor for a good two hours or so, crying and listening to the brand-spanking new James Taylor
album. Then I called this guy Ricky who makes those flavored toothpicks. I don't know him or anything, so
he just hung up on me, but I kept talking to him for another 30 or 40 minutes until I told him I had to head
out to lunch with my uncle, which was true. My uncle didn't show up for lunch, but he sent the entire cast
of SNL to meet with me instead. I thought they were really funny and we had a great time until one of
them tried to make a joke and things just got really awkward. They dropped me off at the mall, even
though I didn't have any interest in going there and I spent over three thousand dollars at the Orange
Julius stand on funny hot dogs.